TGIF like a mug! I've been waiting for Friday, and I've only been back 2 days. Terrible.
So..Tuesday, Mr. Latinegro was my guest blogger. He blogged about Man Rules. Now, while I didn't leave a comment, of course I read it. I happen to agree with his man rules - which basically said never to let a woman come between you and your boys. I happen to think that that rule applies for women too. It made me wonder if some man rules and women rules were the same. Maybe they're not gender specific...but more like "general rules" to relationships.
Should we even label them as rules though? Rules to me imply a game. One would think that rules would make dating/relationships that much easier, especially if you're a player in the merciless game of love.
Since Latinegro had his own version of rules for men, I figured I'd try to fashion a blog with similar rules for women. But the thing is, women create a handbook for relationships or dealings with MEN - not necessarily with EACH OTHER. It goes without saying that you don't mess with your girl's man, ex-man, someone she had a crush on, etc. I could write a blog about borrowing clothes, men, money, jewelry, not hating on each other, being petty or catty, gossiping, or any other trait that men think are characteristic of women in general.
But I think I'm going to try something different. Since women only care about rules when it comes to controlling a man, getting a man or keeping one, I'll take the rules from that angle. While many women follow these divine guidelines religiously, they don't ensure that they live happily ever after. Actually quite the contrary. For some women, it's about survival of the fittest. In addition to the rules listed in magazines, there are also unwritten rules that exist for each sex with the hopes of attracting a mate, not getting hurt, and living together in the jungle of love. Remember this movie, Two Can Play That Game?
I'm here to tell you that while these rules do offer comfort, security and reassurance of maintaining the upper hand, they will not guarantee that there won't be bumps in the road and/or failures.
Everyone woman has her own set of rules (don't cook for his ass on the first date, no blockbuster nights, sex on the third date). But women should be careful to abide by them so much so that the rules become a crutch. Your rules shouldn't be engraved in your diary or stuck on Post-It Notes on the bathroom mirror.
So my blog is about the UN-Rule. Instead of using rules to gain some type of control, try to let the rules go. Here are some rules that we women should try to let go of...or at least relax a bit.
Holding Grudges:
You've been hurt before. Usually, the women that hold grudges against all men, and think men are dogs, pigs, and just about every other mammal except for human, are usually the ones that have been hurt before - or who have friends that have been hurt in the past. She uses rules to keep her promise that never again will she shed a tear over the beast that is man.
You listen to your friends too much:
There are those women (and men, don't get it twisted) who can't make up their own mind when it comes to anything relationship oriented. The poor guy may think he's dating you, but he's really dating your divorced best friend, your promiscuous co-worker, the woman who writes the blog you follow...ahem...and Oprah :-)
One friend tells you not to call him back to apologize cuz he's an asshole and he deserves what he gets; another tells you to sleep with him, the other tells you not to; and the rest tell you that you should dump him like the dog he is. Basically, you can't make one decision on your own when it comes to your man - from what to say, when to call, to how to hang up on him when he talks slick, or gets on your last nerve.
Advice is one thing...but dependence is another. Deal in your own relationships and stop telling your girls everything.
Being close-minded:
Women that don't see past the unwritten rules of dating/relationships tend to think in a linear, narrow-minded way. The truth is, every situation calls for a different action, and there is no one absolute way of approaching dating. Close-mindedness can lead to ....
Insecurity:
...and that's not attractive. It's a vice for men and women, a tragic flaw that leads to the failure of many relationships, as it stimulates negative behavior and causes a bag full of other flaws. We think rules offer us security, and allow us to maintain control - or at least that's what the rules want us to believe.
A woman who strictly abides by rules is not being her sincere self - plain and simple (again, all you men out there are just as guilty). Now I'm not saying that you shouldn't play hard to get and should look desperate, but there's a big difference between building mystery and building a lie in order to ultimately protect yourself.
The 10 commandments:
The following are some rules that many women swear by (some are from the trusty The Rules Bible, while others are those nasty, unwritten rules that women tend to follow)
1 - Do NOT call him, and rarely return his calls
2 - Don't ask him out
3 - Don't approach him
4 - Always play hard to get
5 - Never accept a weekend date if he calls you on, or after Wednesday.
6 - If he's available Tuesday, be available Thursday :-)
7 - Let him take the lead
8 - Insist on lavish treatment
9 - Never pay your way, or treat him...EVER
10 - Never compliment him
While the gist of these commandments is to remain challenging and expect chivalry, these can be tinkered with. Nobody wants to look desperate in the eyes of another or put their heart on the line. But getting to know someone, dating, relationships - isn't always about what kind of power we have in a relationship. They're moreso opportunities to grow or learn from past mistakes.
Of course we want to appear challenging or mysterious, but wouldn't the woman who calls him the day after a date to tell him that she had fun - before he had the chance - strike you as intriguing? Wouldn't the woman who approached him at Starbucks to strike up a conversation attract him thanks to her incredible self-confidence?
Now don't get me wrong - as independent as we women are - we love chivalry. We want to be treated, we want to be swept away by knights in shining armor - but that doesn't mean that we can't take the initiative and show men that we can also be in control...and sexy, and challenging, and intriguing at the same time.
The reason you should let go of rules is because they strip you of being yourself. Maybe you're a woman that has followed the rules all her life, and has proven that the rules can work and had some success. But who are you once you take the rules away? Are you capable of letting loose and having spontaneous fun? Are you sincere? Will you ever treat a man to dinner? :-)
We can all use rules of our own in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt, or appearing vulnerable. Sometimes it's not a bad thing to keep them in mind. But it's more important to use our gut instincts when on the dating/relationship battleground. This means that if you want to catch the eye of the opposite sex, you can (and should) adjust the rules in order to play your own game - and win.
-b
Have a great weekend!
