Happy TMI Tuesday!
So, you know what it is...let's get started.
Since some of you are a bit shy on TMI Tuesday, let me start off by asking a question: Are you a selfish lover?
Personally, I can say I'm not. I LOVE pleasing my partner. And I try to do it just as enthusiastically the 100th time as I did the very first time we had sex....assuming there is a 100th time ;-) Seeing, feeling, experiencing my partner being pleased is my enjoyment. I'll do just about anything possible to make sure my man is taken care of.
Someone I know refers to making sure your partner is satisfied as "paying the bills." This someone was good at it too...the electric bill, gas bill, cable bill, rent, car note - you name it! I'm multi-orgasmic, so to me that was.....wait...hold on...
Whew! Flashbacks....sorry.
**fanning myself***
anyway...
But occasionally we all become "that lover." I do, he does, we all do. You know - "that lover" that sits back and just allows him or herself to be pleased. I got you this time, you get me next time. It's okay to be a little selfish sometimes.
But when being erotically egocentric isn’t the exception to the rule, having a selfish lover can be a bit of a problem. Is he like Bernie Mac?
Three minutes? I know they say, "to give is to receive," - I get that. But supporting a partner's selfish habit gets really old really fast.
Now, if I'm making him feel THAT good, it’s hard for me to fault my man for being self-consumed during sex. After all, it’s a bit of a compliment — a sign that he must be having a really good time, I just feel that good and I'm handling my bidness ;)
It’s sweet...until you realize that you’re the one always left hanging. Can I get some help here?
Selfishness happens. But when it’s a habit, how do you handle a selfish lover?
I think people can be selfish lovers for different reasons. So dealing with this intimacy killer is going to come down to the type of situation you’re fielding ...
Scenario: Your lover doesn’t know how to give good sex.
Some people just don’t know how to have good sex - or at least not with you. Sexually ignorant, they think it’s ok to focus on the themselves. In this case, a "show and tell," with explicit explanations, is in order. Maybe while your partner watches, you can pleasure yourself. For women, I don't think it'll be hard to make him pay attention - men being visual creatures and all. Eventually they'll want to take over, so just take their hands and place them over yours at first and then let go and let them continue. Personally, I love taking a man's hand in mine and guiding him, or even following him if he knows what he's doing - it's sexy as hell to do it together.
Men, you can do the same thing although I'm not quite sure how you show her what you like on yourself. I'll let Fury or one of my other male commenters chime in on that one.
Scenario: Your partner won’t reciprocate.
Your lover gladly accepts oral sex, but return the favor? — no way. How should you respond? The next time your lover makes a request, respond with, "Okay, but me first!" If you don’t get what you want, go on strike.
Okay, I kid...well...not really...but I kid...(not really)
Find out why he (or she) won't.
Is it because she thinks it's uncleanly or nasty? Is it because he's not sure how to do it? He doesn't like it down there? If you find out the reasons why your partner won't reciprocate, then that may help determine their selfishness, and you can work through it.
For example, if he thinks it's not "clean", then make sure your sh*t is right. Take a nice, long, hot bath together (or shower if you don't have time) and wash each other. You'll be relaxed, smelling all fresh and fruity :-) If she thinks it's nasty, then find some chocolate syrup, honey, whipped cream, whatever it is she likes and make her a sundae. This way it's like dessert instead of fighting a gag reflex. Just don't get too excited and "help" her by grabbing the back of her head...baby steps.
Scenario: Your lover can’t wait to get to home plate.
Caught up in the excitement of a pending orgasm, it can be all too easy to focus on the destination, forgetting about the ride. This goal-oriented lover needs to learn the importance of foreplay in building both sexual response and intimacy. You can start the process by being a tease, making your partner wait for the next pitch. For example - slow down, stop, and then ask for a sensual massage. Don't wait til his toes are already curled up though...cuz it's too late :-)
If your lover doesn’t respect your needs, and continues to rush, bolster your efforts by stressing that togetherness makes for the grand slam. Yes, it can be fun to hit a solo home run, but it's even more satisfying when there are others on base.
Scenario: Your partner could care less about pleasing you.
I saved the diciest for last, since working through this one requires the most work. If you’re involved with someone who isn’t into mutual pleasuring, then tell him to kick rocks - there’s a lot more fun to be had in grabbing your favorite "devices" and Duracell's and hanging a "Do Not Disturb" sign on your bedroom door. If the energy you’re putting out is depreciating in returns, save it for yourself. BOB never disappoints.
As for a man with a selfish partner, chances are he'll find someone else who'll do what you won't. Sorry ladies, just putting that out there.
It's easy to get spoiled if sex is a one way street and you're the beneficiary. If you have a spoiled partner, he or she will stay that way unless you speak up - otherwise it's your fault too. In having such a discussion, make the point that you feel that your partner isn’t engaged with you. Don’t come at it in an accusatory way saying, for example, "You’re only out for self during sex - you selfish bastard!" Your partner will feel under attack and likely shut down.
Instead, strive for a better response by sharing your emotions - "I feel like we’re not connecting when we have sex. I feel that my pleasure seems secondary."
A partner can't be expected to continually make sacrifices for the other. Acknowledge that you can understand that your lover gets incredibly excited by your abilities — after all, you know you puts it down! But outline the terms of your equal erotic rights campaign, stating your needs specifically.
If your partner seems unsympathetic, bring out the big guns. Nothing gets a lover listening more than, "I think I'ma call Tyrone."
Okay, don't do that...you might get choked out.
Most women would prefer their man to getting their "buzz" on, so make sure you let him know that nothing or no one can please you like he can. Men, tell your woman the same thing. Everyone wants to feel wanted and simply letting your partner know that they're desired is usually all you have to do to get the attention you’re after. Most people aren't THAT selfish that they wouldn't take such matters very personally - so knowing your performance is substandard may be all the motivation needed.
In any of these cases, as you retrain your partner, you want to reward good deeds. (Note: "ooo’s," "ahhhh’s" and "sexy gasps" are quite effective :-) Other erotic awards should be based on what your lover enjoys, such as a nice rubdown during afterplay. Once selfish lovers realize that a pleasure shared is doubled, they’re likely to see that as the biggest prize.
-b
