Happy Hump Day!
Okay, I know what you’re thinking – Brooke is on some freak stuff this week. But I had to write this one. Last night I was EXHAUSTED after my boxing class - so much so that I couldn’t even wrap my brain around what to write about today. At 11pm, I could barely keep my eyes open – and normally I’m a night owl. I took a quick shower, didn’t even bother to dry off, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
2:30am
“buzzzz”
I must be dreaming, because I KNOW that ain’t MY phone ringing and vibrating at 2:30 in the morning.
2:32 am
Second attempt.
“buzzzz”
Wait, my phone IS ringing. I turn to look at the display on my phone.
“Wow...he’s buggin.” I roll over and turn my pillow to the cool side and try to go back to sleep.
2:34 am
THIRD attempt.
“buzzzzz”
My phone is Hammer dancing across my nightstand. I ignore it.
2:36 am
FOURTH F*CKING ATTEMPT!
I start to pick it up so I can promptly give the cuss out – but I’m too tired and angry and will probably say something crazy in my hazy state.
Finally, he gets the hint.
Now, I hope he wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere, or involved in some other emergency. But he didn’t leave a message calling for help, so I just assumed he was drunk dialing me. At least I hope that’s the reason. I’ll get to the bottom of that today.
But this morning I was thinking about it. Was that a bootycall? I sure hope not. He’s never called me that late before and we’re not even LIKE THAT, so what made him think he could call me at that hour? If it WAS a bootycall, he called WAY too late. Then he called WAY too many times (read: thirsty) and went about the whole thing wrong. That’s when it hit me...he had no “booty call etiquette.” Again, it may not have been a bootycall, not being presumptuous - but if it WAS...here are the rules.
1. Call someone you know is DOWN with a booty call. Clearly this dude misread me...and if you’re not sure...
2. Then don’t call so freakin late! 2:30am?? Are you serious? On a Tuesday? Okay, I know I may be taking the spontaneity out of it, but come on y’all...I have a job. Call at least early enough to feel the person out if this is a first time thing. If they’re not biting, then move on. Midnight is the latest you should call during the week – you can get into the wee hours of the morning on the weekend.
3. Also, while calling someone you know is down with booty calls, make sure you choose that person wisely. No psychos, weirdos, freaks or people with stalker tendencies. They could be waiting outside your place when you get home from your REAL date. Personality counts when choosing partners of convenience.
4. If he/she lives more than 20 minutes away, forget it. Otherwise, you run the risk of losing interest by the time they finally show up...or falling back to sleep.
5. No talking. Don’t suddenly show your sparkling personality while laying in the bed. Don’t ask about their day, talk religion or politics, about who was on The View that day or any other conversation. If they keep talking, pretend like you’re asleep – snore if you have to.
6. Don’t stress to impress. I don’t think your booty call should be the best sex you’ve ever had (I think a lot of people make that mistake). Save it for someone you REALLY care about. Don’t pull out all your tricks unless you’re practicing for when you meet someone you actually DO want to impress :-) At least this way you won’t care if they laugh at you if you fall off the bed trying to execute some new position and lose your balance. It’s already late and you’re tired, so chances are it’s simply the last thing you do before you knock out anyway.
7. Save your money. Ladies: D*ck is free. Period. If you pay for it in ANY kind of way, like Chris Rock said, “it’s a BAAAAD investment.” Men: There should be no need to wine and dine her...she knows what it is. No dinner and a movie, but if you called after 11pm, chances are it’s too late for all that stuff anyway. Eat before you get here.
8. Know when to take your ass home. No need for sleepovers, cuddling, and damn sure no breakfast. If you DO sleepover, it better be because you’re exhausted, too drunk to drive, or it’s a torrential rain/freezing-ass blizzard outside. Otherwise, scram, beat it...(you know I have to say it...) KICK ROCKS!
9. Keep your list small. If you have more than two or three bootycalls, you might have some kind of problem/addiction – some sort of freaky, sexual pattern, promiscuity...and maybe an STD. Be careful.
10. Don’t abuse your booty call privileges. Late night phone calls are okay, but either party has the right to refuse without explanation or guilt. Booty calls are temporary fixes, so they shouldn’t occur more than once or twice every 2 weeks to a month. If it does, you run the risk of making your bootycall turn into a real relationship. And if your bootycall goes out and gets a REAL boyfriend or girlfriend and can’t be your bootycall anymore, then wish them well and get over it. Gimme a call when y’all break up :-)
Okay, I’m done...now I gotta get to work since I had to write this crap this morning! :-)
Go!
-b
