Happy Monday!
So, it's 11:30pm Sunday night and I have no idea what to write about. Laptop casting light into my face, I hear a "ping." My AIM pops up and a friend asks me if I'm asleep. I tell him no, we chat a bit. Then I ask him to give me a blog topic.
"Break-up sex," he types.
hmmm...interesting.
"What about it?" I respond.
"Do you go for it, or leave it alone?"
Good question.
I've had break-up sex before. I was seeing this guy off and on for 3 years back in my early 20's. This man was 10 years older than I am, divorced with 2 kids. His son lived with him and his daughter lived down I-95 two hours away. He was a great guy, a wonderful, dedicated father and we got along famously. We never fought, always had a great time, there was no baby-mama drama, and eventually his kids fell in love with me (took the lil girl FOREVER - but one night of allowing her to put my hair in a million plaits and she was all mine!)
Anyway, one night while cuddled up watching a movie, he said to me, "you're going to leave me one day." I was somewhat stunned by what he said and wondered where all this was coming from.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because I don't want to get married again and I don't want any more children," was his response.
"So...???" I said as if his answer was silly.
"So...you do...you will...one day," he said sadly.
"How do you know?" My defenses were up.
"I know you better than you know yourself."
okay dude, whatever.
My 20-something year old pride wouldn't allow me to admit that he might be right. After all, I was working at a hot radio station and at the WB (when it WAS the WB - not the CW). My career was taking shape, I was going out every night, going to clubs, concerts, NYC to visit my girlfriends. I was having a blast, and marriage and kids were the furthest thing from my mind. But this 30-something year old man who had lived way more than I had by then was telling ME what I wanted...and I resented him for it. So...we broke up.
Fast forward 6 months. We run into each other at a supermarket and sparks fly. He tells me that he misses me and that he wants us to get back together again for as long as we can be. I ask what that means. He says, "til you get tired of being with a man who doesn't want any more kids."
I respond smugly, "oh right, I remember, that and not getting married again."
He then tells me that he wouldn't mind getting married again, but didn't see the need to since he thinks people should only get married if they have kids. Since he knew he didn't want any more, marriage wasn't necessary, but he'd do it.
Because I missed him, we got back together.
One blissful year later, while allowing his daughter to put my hair in a million plaits while he was making dinner in the kitchen, she tells me that she made something for me. I ask her what it was and she told me to go into the kitchen to see. I get up looking all kinds of "Pippy Long Stocking" crazy and she leads me by the hand to the refrigerator. Taped to it is a drawing of her, her father, and me - with the words written out, "I *heart* Brooke."
In that moment, I was speechless. I was flattered. And then I felt tremendous responsibility. This little girl loved me, and wanted me to be a part of their family. She had even told her mother about me. And then I wondered, "would this be enough?"
It wouldn't be. Being around his amazing children made me realize I MIGHT want an amazing child of my own one day. I was in love with the type of father he was, but he was done. He didn't want any more. And even though I didn't want any at that particular time...at my young age, I didn't want the option taken away from me. As much as I loved him and his children, a day later we had "the talk."
We had break-up sex.
Why? Because we loved each other. We knew we'd never be together again, nor would we probably be with someone else sexually again for a little while after we mourned our relationship. And I have no regrets.
People break up for a host of reasons, so saying that break-up sex is good or bad depends on the situation. I doubt you'd want to have break-up sex with someone who cheated on you, or who was abusive to you, and that's the reason why you both broke up. But if you break up with someone because you truly love each other but want different things, or because it's a long distance relationship and it's too hard, or because the timing is all wrong - then break-up sex can and most likely will happen. Break-up sex releases you from expectations, frees you, can be very intense and gives you one last, passionate memory to share.
That being said, generally speaking I'd say stay away from break-up sex. As Martin said, "if that sh*t is supposed to be over then let it be over!" It can be the biggest mistake you make in a break-up.
Break-up sex can cause you to backslide, so make sure if you go there, you BOTH really ARE breaking up...and not really MAKING UP. It's tricky. When love is involved, emotions can get in the way of the actual break-up and make you think that there's hope in the relationship when there really isn't - and just drag it out.
I think men are better at break-up sex that women are. It's familiar. It's easy. But women tend to get confused - and when feelings get involved, it can cause more hurt feelings than anything else.
And break-up sex can easily be confused with "pity-sex" - depending on if the person feels bad for breaking your heart in a million itty bitty pieces and has sex with you so you won't feel bad. Either way, I'm not sure if any of it is worth it.
In my case, by saying good-bye to that relationship, we shared one last, special night that I will never forget. In our final moments, I remember thinking, "wow, we should break up more often." :-)
But that's just it - if we had broken up with break-up sex more often, we'd still be together...still trying to figure out how to break up.
-b
