TGIF!!
Tomorrow is Halloween...and since I'm in a Michael Jackson kinda mood...why not?!
What ever happened to Ola Ray?
Michael Jackson was so cute!!! I'd watch MTV all day waiting for Thriller to come on. I didn't get tired of it then, and 25 years later, I still don't! RIP MJ!
Now...I'm not big on horror movies per se. I'll watch Halloween or I Know What You Did Last Summer, but those movies don't scare me. If anything, they just make me say under my breath, "Are you f*ckin' kiddin' me?" Why? Because they're all the same.
Why I Don't Watch Horror Flicks:
1. We all know the black guy is gonna die within the first 5 minutes of the movie. Well..maybe not anymore. Maybe they let him live until half way through the movie. But for the most part, he's a dead man. And it's always one black guy and/or girl with a group of white people. You'd never find a group of black people at Camp Crystal Lake where they heard 50 people were killed 100 years earlier. Never happen. He always dies putting up a fight though, right?
2. People always get killed while they're doing something fun and distracting - like drinking, smoking weed or having sex. How many times have we seen the monster go after the dude who's high off his rocker in the woods by himself, or stab a big ass knife through the bed to kill the unsuspecting couple doing the horizontal mambo? Or he catches them just as they're about to do it and takes an ax to the head of the girl in the lacy red bra as blood oozes down her cleavage. Gimme a break. The prudish, good girl never gets killed...ever notice that?
3. "What was that? Let me go see" - by myself of course...in the dark. Why do white people go investigate strange noises...in the basement...or in the woods...by themselves? Let me tell you something, if it was a group of black or Latino people, we don't CARE what the noise was - we gettin' the HELL OUTTA THERE! Forget going to see what it is, we'll find out what it was later - RUN!! And if we MUST find out what that noise was, WE ALL GOING to see what it is...not just one person. And if we manage to get OUT of the house...there's NO WAY we're going back in. But nooooo, white folks just HAVE to either go see...or GO BACK and see. Later for all that! I'm out!
4. I wanna know how the killer always manages to cut the electricity off and disconnect the phones...and no one's cell phone ever works. "Can you hear me now?" NO! Wanna know why? Cuz no one brings a damn cell phone charger with them in the woods, and if they do, they're always some place where they can't get reception - so they can't call for help. Dumb asses. Yet, the killer always leaves the flashlights in place with the batteries in them. Yeah, ok.
5. There's usually a mirror scene. You know what I mean...the sexy girl is taking a shower and steams up the bathroom mirror. She rinses her face, puts her wet hair up in a towel, and then wants to see what she looks like...so she wipes the condensation off the mirror only to find a creepy killer dude in a mask in the reflection standing there waiting to kill her...because of course she couldn't FEEL him or hear him sneak up on her.
6. If they happen to have a car, the car never works. They run from the psycho killer, turn the key and low and behold - the engine won't turn over. They're pressing their foot on the pedal, turning the key over and over again, but nothin'. The monster catches up to them and either yanks their stupid asses out of the car, or the car starts at the last minute and the killer is dragged 100 feet (but not killed), or he jumps on the hood of the car and jams a pitchfork through the roof and splits the stupid teenagers wig in half.
7. Speaking of the killer catching up to their prey - why is it that the killer is always WALKING and the dumb teenager is RUNNING, yet he always seems to catch up to him or her? The killer is never in a rush - taking his sweet ole time. Why? Because the victim will ALWAYS trip and fall and they NEVER get up in time to get away from the WALKING monster. Da f*ck outta here.
8. You know someone's gonna die because of the scary music. Like in Halloween, you KNEW someone was gonna get it when the creepy Mike Myers music started. Sometimes I'd wish the idiots in the movie could hear it so as to say, "You hear that? You gonna get it fool! Run!"
9. Oh, and that's another thing - fools yelling at the screen in the theater. And y'all might get mad, but I'm gonna say it anyway - it's always US black folk yelling at the screen. And I don't know why we do it...it's not like they can hear us, and we know they're gonna die anyway! This is what we paid our money to see, right? Yet we always seem surprised or angry when white folks "don't listen" to us or the black guy dies. We KNOW better.
10. And last but not least, the damn psycho killer monster dude NEVER dies. He could be decapitated, knifed in chest through the heart, drowned or burned alive...and he WON'T die. How many times have they killed Mike Myers? Like...15? Dude, die already! We always see a hand reach out and grab someone from somewhere when they're supposed to be dead - and cue scary music and credits...so they can let us know that they'll be a Halloween 17. Some bullsh*t.
Okay, I'm gonna stop there, cuz I could be here for days talking about the parent who doesn't think it's weird that their kid has a creepy imaginary friend and talks through his finger talking about "red rum, red rum!"....see....there I go again. But you get my point. If your kid sees dead people, get the hell out!
I actually like suspenseful movies like The Sixth Sense rather than slasher, gory movies, but I refuse to go see Paranormal Activity. I have nightmares, and I'm not paying my money just to go home and be afraid of my own cat and the ghost that lives inside him. Yes, my mind will take me there.
Have a great, safe and fun Halloween. If you dress up, I wanna see pics!
-b
