Happy Hump Day!
So, over my weeklong vacation, I watched a lot of tv and read a lot of magazines. Is it me, or was last week “Single Black Females Will Never Get Married” week? I mean, there was an ABC News Nightline special report on it, an Essence.com article, Dr. Boyce Watkins blogged about it – everywhere I turned, there was SOMETHING written about the plight of the single Black women in America who will never, ever get married. If you missed some of it, take a look:
We’ve discussed this before – and the numbers continue to be daunting. We all know we outnumber black men, so even if every available Black man married a Black woman, there would still be over a million Black women left without a man. And yes, we can broaden our horizons and be open to dating outside of our race – but the reality is we aren’t as coveted by other races as Black men are. A white, or Asian or Indian man might DATE a Black woman – but he probably won’t bring her home to mama and make her his wife.
And let’s not focus on incarcerated men, or uneducated men, or under or unemployed men. Those are systemic societal issues all their own that make it impossible for a Black man to stand a chance in America, let alone in a relationship – a blog for another day.
But my question isn’t why aren’t Black women getting married – but why aren’t Black men proposing? What does it take to make your boo “wifey?”
All these “if you like it then you should’a put a ring on it” anthems are cute – but for real, what’s going on? I think I might have the answer…
A male friend of mine said the other night that Black women need to compromise in order to get a man – compromise their standards, lower their expectations and be more “realistic.” Okay, fine…let’s entertain that.
But what are Black MEN compromising? After all, I’m guessing that statistically, they have a better pool of women to choose from - so they don’t have to “date down” so to speak. Now don’t get me wrong, just because someone is successful or makes a certain amount of money or has a specific education doesn’t mean that they’re a good person...or a bad person. But finding a quality woman, I’ve been told, seems to be easier for men than the other way around. So if that’s true, what are men compromising?
His response?
“The compromise is that he’s marrying you.”
Ahhh…ok, I get it now.
I think therein lies part of the problem. Some…maybe most…men view marriage as a compromise, not a commitment. They see it as something they’re surrendering to instead of a union that they’re entering into willingly. If that is the case, then we’re truly in trouble.
Now, I know most men in this forum will say they’d like to get married someday. Some would even argue that most Black men would love to settle down. But how attractive can settling down be if you can have 4 or 5 quality women in your rotation?
I’ve had a man tell me TO MY FACE that he’d like to keep me in his back pocket til he was ready to settle down, but expected me to be a good girl and wait for him…and not see anyone else.
Yeah…I laughed at that too…
But men seem to enjoy the fact that the odds are in their favor – and they fully indulge in the buffet of women who are “compromising” to be with them. So is this why men aren’t proposing? Marriage just isn’t attractive to them?
Sure, Black women can be seen to have an attitude, are too picky, too hard on the brothas, too “independent,” too strong or pushy, you name it. But it can’t all be our fault either. And if there are more good Black men out there than we realize, why aren’t they proposing? Is it because Black women are settling for being baby mamas? The side chick hoping he comes around? The woman who’s been with him for 10 years hoping he finally wants to make her “official?” Or is it simply out of our hands and we have to play the hand we’re dealt?
I’m curious to see what men have to say about why they won’t put a ring on it…and if there’s anything they feel women are doing to sabotage their own happily ever after.
Break it down.
Go!
-b
