Happy Hump Day!
So Monica and I were in the gym last night, stretching on the mat, chatting, etc. I notice she zoned out for a second and didn't hear a word I said. Finally she snaps out of it:
"Whew, Ken's body is sick."
I should have known...I was tuned out for a man :-)
And she's right. Ken, a guy who frequents our gym, has a nice body. But unless you make it a point to tell me to look in his direction, he doesn't catch my eye. Not because he doesn't have a nice face, or bulging biceps...but because he looks like a convict to me. I know...that's so wrong - but full sleeve tattoos that read such things as "Show and Prove" just seems so..."Cell Block D" to me.
Now, let me preface this post by saying I have a bias against thug-looking dudes. I admit it. I know I'm judging a book by its cover, and that's wrong, but I can't help it. I've never been personally attracted to the "bad boy" type. I can appreciate their "alpha dog" appeal, but I've never wanted to date one...EVER.
Monica, on the other hand, said she likes a man with some “street edge.” And I get it. Most women are attracted to men who seem like they can handle themselves, and who can “handle” them too…whether it’s in the form of physical protection, or sexual prowess. And I think maybe when I was in my early 20’s, you could have convinced me that “street” was sexy in some way – because at that age, attraction and “excitement” were more important than say…a credit score. But even at a younger age, I never gravitated towards “street” or “thug” dudes. They just looked…ridiculous to me. And Ken in the gym working out in too baggy jeans, a wife beater, with timbs and a do-rag or baseball cap on cuz you think that “thug lust” look is sexy only confirms it for me - ridiculous.
Again I say, I’m judging and could be totally wrong about him…but I doubt it :-)
Anyway, I think “edge” and “thug” are a bit different. I think ALL men should be able to handle themselves and have some “street smarts” or common sense, not just “hood” dudes. You don’t have to have a lot of muscles to be a “real” man. Being a bad boy shouldn’t make you attractive or edgy - yet I find a lot of women I know, who are very well educated and middle class or higher, gravitate towards men who look more like felons than professors. And it makes me wonder if Black women take it a bit further than women of other races.
Now don’t get me wrong, “Becky” probably loves bad boys too. But to Becky, dating a black guy might be all the “edge” she needs – he’s a bad boy simply because he’s black. I know that sounds absurd, but probably true nonetheless.
But to a black woman, he can’t just be black or have street smarts. He has to boast a criminal record and be a “soldier.”
One woman I know, who grew up in a very suburban Pennsylvania town, said she was attracted to “thug dudes” because she needed a man who could “handle” her.
Crickets.
What exactly does that mean? How hard could it be to handle her “Leave it to Beaver” ass? I couldn’t do anything but laugh.
I know women subconsciously test men for strength, leadership abilities and overall dominance. It’s the “survival of the fittest” principle at its core. We don’t want a man we can walk all over who can’t stand up for himself, because if he can’t stand up to us, how can he protect us? Alpha male. I get it.
But does "thuggery" equal strength? Do muscles automatically make you an alpha male? Are educated men who have financial security less attractive because they can crush you with their intellect and their wallet rather than with their fists?
I don’t know if it’s just me, or if anyone else can say the same thing, but most men I’ve met who appear to be “bad boys” are complete assholes to date. It’s not like they were the strong, silent types who only looked like tigers on the outside, only to be teddy bears on the inside. Most times, if he walked like a thug and talked like a thug…he was a thug…with a mean stroke. And that’s about it.
I read that “Even though logically a woman may know these assholes or thugs are a bad choice, biologically and culturally they’ve been bred through hundreds of thousands of years of evolution to respond positively to dominant, alpha male traits on a primal, unthinking level.” I think this is totally true, because if we were to use our right mind, the beta male would seem WAY more attractive to us.
The Beta Male is the one who can provide for his family financially, is intelligent AND responsible, and successful. Yet he seems to be our second choice. The nerdy doctor or lawyer is no where near as fine as RayRay, Craig n’em, so we overlook him hoping that we can tame the drug dealer, or the NBA player. Yet when a woman of another race snags an “Obama” type, we sulk and complain and wonder how SHE got HIM. Well, she most likely got him because he didn’t possess the “street” or “thug” traits we were looking for - so he felt free to be himself with someone else without having to rob a bank to get our attention.
Now, I know this is pissing some of my sistas off because it seems like I’m generalizing and lumping all black women together. I’m not. I know not ALL of us want the bad boy, thug dude. But enough of us do to the point where I find it necessary to ask…why???
As grown women, don’t we want the man who can stimulate us mentally and not just physically? Who could probably walk into a bank armed with a 760 credit score and down payment for a house and who has a healthy portfolio and 401K? I’m not talking about someone you simply have sex with and keep as your dirty little secret. I’m talking about being booed up with the guy who can probably fight, but can’t walk into a job interview and nail it wowing everyone with his intellect and charm. I’m talking about the one who’s never been anywhere further than the 4 or 5 blocks of his neighborhood – and doesn’t care to see what else is out there. I’m talking about the one who can sex you down, but not complete a full sentence. That’s who I’m talking about.
And don’t get me wrong, there are corporate men out there who can rock a suit just as well as some jeans and timbs on the weekend. I’m not talking about them. I like versatile men just as much as the next woman. But I think you get my drift. Pookie n’em gets no play from me.
Again, I know I may be wrong in my assessment, and I can admit when I’m being narrow-minded…but is it just me? I know I may catch hell for this post, but somebody enlighten me…what am I missing?
Go!
-b
