Where should I begin - the here and now, or when we met? When I met my husband, we started a "no-future" dating game :-) We both stated we had no desire to have a "title," just that we would have some fun. However, as we all know, time eventually makes you start to have feelings - mutual feelings. Whoever said you can't turn a HO into a housewife/husband was completely WRONG! My husband was Mr. GQ - the ladies man, sexy body like a God, fun, and seriously had it going on! So now married with two kids - 7 years later, I'm getting completely bored with my life. I've always had male friends, I don't deal with women - too much drama! But being married, I had to cut everyone off -except one, the one who has always had my heart for 20 years now.
It didn't matter that we didn't speak for 2 years after I got married, there has always been that soft spot.
I don't want to be with him, but I miss him. I miss talking about anything and everything. I can't do that with another woman. The last woman that I hung out with ended up sleeping with a guy that kept trying to talk to me - and I would give him NO TIME. So he took the next best thing - my girl! Needless to say, when she finally told me she slept with him, she also told me he gave her herpes! "Wow" was all I could say. I couldn't even ask her why she would do such a thing, knowing he was trying to get my attention.
That being said, I don't have to question a man trying to get with my husband, only him trying to get with me. And that would only happen if I allowed it. I so long to have someone to hang with like two women would. I know eventually the chemistry changes and that ends the friendship. I can deal with that when it happens, but right now, I'm miserable. My husband/family is my life. We wake up, go to bed, to the store, watch movies, just sit and do nothing- TOGETHER, everyday, all day! This repetition is driving me crazy. And to make matters worse, I recently found out my long lost best friend lives damn near next door to me. Talk about temptation. I just can't fight it.
I've come clean with my husband that I need to have a friend- a male friend. And of course he got upset and is completely against it. That's what I miss and that's my desire. Not to sleep with anyone - GOD no! The thought of another man caressing me disgusts me. My husband's attitude prevents that open "girl" talk. I'm just ever so confused. I know it's the wrong thing to do, I don't want to lose my husband, but in the meantime I'm losing myself. It's completely selfish to want my cake and eat it too, but what can a girl do?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
I do think healthy friendships are necessary to have outside of your marriage – both male and female friendships. I understand that sometimes women can be catty, petty, untrustworthy, etc. – but that doesn’t mean that a good female friend doesn’t exist for you out there somewhere. Sometimes it simply comes down to being a better judge of character where friendships are concerned. That woman you spoke of simply wasn’t the best choice for you.
Sidenote: If she knew you had no interest in that guy, maybe she didn’t think he was off limits. Now, she probably should have asked you if you would mind if she hit it just to be sure – but at the end of the day, she may have felt she did nothing wrong since you made it clear you had no interest in him. I know it's kinda shady, and I probably would have kept my distance too, but technically she did nothing wrong. Just my two cents on that.
Now…back to your husband. I understand life can become routine once the honeymoon is over and the kids come. You can’t be as spontaneous as you once were, or sometimes the kids make it impossible to be romantic or feel sexy when you’re exhausted from taking them to soccer practice and picking Cheerios out of your hair. I get it.
But that’s what you signed up for. Marriage is work. Period. You have to mix things up and take some initiative to take the humdrum out of your less than exciting life. It takes both of you to work it out – not a third person. Instead of asking your husband if you can have a male friend, you should be telling him how you feel and asking what you both can do to fix it. He might be feeling the same boredom, so it’s possible he’ll welcome a chance to get things poppin’ again. He could have interpreted your asking for a male friend as, “I need someone to replace your boring ass.” Your new male friend won’t make your home life less boring, he’ll just add some excitement OUTSIDE of it. It might make your life a little more interesting for a little while, but eventually you’ll want to spend more time with the new guy instead of your husband…then you’re playing with fire.
While I do think there is nothing wrong with having a male friend, I DO believe that your husband should be your BEST friend. If you feel you can’t confide in him, then that’s something that needs to be addressed. I know most husbands would prefer you vent to your girlfriends about the woman at work who got on your last nerve, or talk about the new shoes you just bought – so it may be frustrating that you can’t share everything with your husband like you would a girlfriend. But a male friend would actually be no different. No dude, unless your new BFF is gay, wants to hear that crap either. He may pretend to be interested, but he’ll simply be putting in his time until your husband messes up and you use your “in case of emergency, break glass dick in a glass case.” No dude is gonna wanna be your shoulder to cry on while you go home and screw your husband. If your friend is single and has feelings for you, he won’t give a damn about your husband. While you’re complaining that your husband personality is like watching paint dry, the new guy is gonna look all shiny and pretty – your husband will look crusty and dry. The new friend will encourage your complaints until he’s literally in there. Then you’ll wake up looking for your panties wondering what the hell happened.
You say this man has been your heart for 20 years now, and that you realize chemistry between men and women can change and become dangerous. Saying you’ll deal with it when it comes suggests to me that you KNOW one day someone will catch feelings. It sounds to me like you already have, or are open to it. Is he the one who got away? Why does this man still have your heart? It’s a slippery slope, because for most women, where our heart goes, our body will soon follow. It’s science, or magic …or something like that :-) The thought of another man touching you might disgust you NOW, but that will soon pass if you find yourself growing closer to your friend.
Also, keep in mind that if your husband DOES agree to allow this man to be your friend, you’ve now given him a pass to go out and get himself a new friend too. You have to ask yourself how you’d feel if he did that…especially if it’s some chick who “has his heart” and whatnot. You may say now that it wouldn’t bother you…or think he would never do that, but I’d think again. If he’s just as bored as you are, fuckery will ensue. Trust me.
I say think about it before reaching out to this old friend of yours. Look at it from your husband’s perspective and ask yourself how you’d honestly feel if he came to you with the same proposition. And then ask yourself if you’ve really done everything you could to add some spice to your home life. If you think you have, then I suggest you tread lightly while reconnecting with your old friend. If you’d be doing it behind your husband’s back, consider the consequences. Think about how he’d feel if he found out and how that would affect your marriage. Sometimes you don’t know what you have until you’re about to lose it, so make sure this old friend is definitely worth putting your marriage at risk.
If he is, then have him over for dinner so your husband can meet him. You’ll have to make him feel totally secure with your friendship with this dude. In the meantime though, get a babysitter and go out on a romantic date with your husband. Stay overnight in a hotel and get busy. Work on your marriage first, see if things get better, AND THEN get in touch with your friend later – like say in a couple months. You may find that your husband is, and always has been, the only true friend you really need.
Blog fam, chime in!
-b
