Happy TMI Tuesday!
Fury is on vacation, so you all are stuck with me today. Someone actually sent me a “Dear Fury” letter to forward to him (the nerve!), so hopefully that will serve as our TMI Tuesday blog for June…if he doesn’t answer the letter sooner as a guest.
Now…today’s topic.
I don’t watch porn. The first time I watched one was in college, my freshman year. Ironically enough, my roommate "borrowed" a tape from a guy she was dating so I could see one – and he is now a very famous porn star. Go figure.
But as I watched, I remembered not thinking that much about it. The music was awful and there was no plot. I’m supposed to believe a cable guy just shows up and d*cks down an unsuspecting housewife? Yeah, okay. I know it’s all fantasy, but gimme a break. My friend reminded me that porn was not a film that I normally viewed in one of my classes for critique and meaningful discussion, but was simply meant to get you off. I quickly dismissed porn as ridiculous and not for me.
Until I saw another one...a GOOD one...years later…then I got it.
Those people had skills. They could do tricks. I was intrigued by their prowess, and it let me know just how much I DIDN’T know when it came to sex. The sex I was having was boring by comparison, so like the good student that I am, I tried to learn something new.
My next boyfriend would be my unsuspecting guinea pig. I was gonna try something I’d seen in a flick and rock his world! “Regular sex” Brooke was gone.
I attempted what I can only describe as a hybrid 69/reverse cowgirl combo….whatever that is. I should try to come up with a name for it, like the “Lynn Spin” (for any of my Girlfriends fans out there). It was going to be my signature move and he’d be addicted to me forever.
Fury is on vacation, so you all are stuck with me today. Someone actually sent me a “Dear Fury” letter to forward to him (the nerve!), so hopefully that will serve as our TMI Tuesday blog for June…if he doesn’t answer the letter sooner as a guest.
Now…today’s topic.
I don’t watch porn. The first time I watched one was in college, my freshman year. Ironically enough, my roommate "borrowed" a tape from a guy she was dating so I could see one – and he is now a very famous porn star. Go figure.
But as I watched, I remembered not thinking that much about it. The music was awful and there was no plot. I’m supposed to believe a cable guy just shows up and d*cks down an unsuspecting housewife? Yeah, okay. I know it’s all fantasy, but gimme a break. My friend reminded me that porn was not a film that I normally viewed in one of my classes for critique and meaningful discussion, but was simply meant to get you off. I quickly dismissed porn as ridiculous and not for me.
Until I saw another one...a GOOD one...years later…then I got it.
Those people had skills. They could do tricks. I was intrigued by their prowess, and it let me know just how much I DIDN’T know when it came to sex. The sex I was having was boring by comparison, so like the good student that I am, I tried to learn something new.
My next boyfriend would be my unsuspecting guinea pig. I was gonna try something I’d seen in a flick and rock his world! “Regular sex” Brooke was gone.
I attempted what I can only describe as a hybrid 69/reverse cowgirl combo….whatever that is. I should try to come up with a name for it, like the “Lynn Spin” (for any of my Girlfriends fans out there). It was going to be my signature move and he’d be addicted to me forever.
Now keep in mind, I was in my 20’s when this was going down. I was in MUCH better shape, and even with a bum knee, I was very nimble. I’ve never had a problem with flexibility, and my enthusiasm was that of a cheerleader. It was gonna be on and poppin’!
At first it was great, and he was thoroughly pleased that I took some initiative in the “puttin’ in on him” department. I’ve always been an active participant in my own sex life, so I was stepping up my game so to speak. I took pride in that actually :-)
All was going well until we got a little too excited. I was buckin’ like a banshee, a wild child in a sexy rodeo until….I fell off the bed.
Yes….I fell OFF the bed.
He shot me right off.
Luckily, I didn’t fly into the wall or bust my head on my dresser….or get my head stuck in a headboard (Stef) :-) I simply fell to the ground like a little kid flying off of a swing. I was okay physically, but my ego was bruised. I felt so silly until he jumped up like, “Baby, are you okay?” In that moment, I lifted myself up, looked him in the eye...and CRACKED UP! Tears streamed down my face as he read me to make sure I was really fine before he joined in on my laughter. I always thought sex was supposed to be fun, but not hysterical!
Since then, I think I’ve come close to falling off the bed maybe 2 more times. I’ve become more aware of my surroundings in the heat of the moment. Thank goodness I’m not much of a drinker, cuz Lawd knows what bedroom mishaps I would have suffered if I’d actually been drunk. By the way, having sex with a drunk person can be dangerous as well, simply because they don’t have a full grasp of their faculties, and therefore their body, as much as they should…and can accidentally knock you in the teeth or something.
Most people forget sex is exercise, so if you’re trying to have sex like a porn star, you might need to get in shape. I’ve pulled many a “sex muscle” trying to twist my body like a pretzel or get into some position I had no business attempting. Nothing dries you up more than a Charlie Horse…trust me.
So…with that said, STRETCH before you try twisting someone’s back out. I’m a back breaker when I’m in shape, but otherwise, it’s best I don’t enter the Sex Olympics until I get my weight up. I will say that it feels good to be sore from sex the next day – that means you did something right.
Since it’s TMI Tuesday, it’s your turn to tell us of any bedroom blunders or sexual mishaps you may have suffered as a result of trying to have sex like a porn star. Let’s hear it…sometimes love hurts!
Go!
-b
