This is a bit personal, but aren't all "Dear Brookey" letters? Anyway, I'm writing you because my boyfriend has been hinting....ALOT lately, that he'd like to try/have a threesome. I feel like all men want this fantasy, so when he first mentioned it, I didn't think much of it. But he's been bringing it up more and more lately. Is this something I should be worried about? What do you think this means?
-Worried.
Dear Worried,It means he wants to have sex with another woman - DUH!
okay...maybe that was harsh...let me back up.
It means he wants to have a threesome. Now, WHY he wants to have one may be what you're really asking.
If this guy is your boyfriend, I can see why you'd be worried...assuming he wants the threesome with another woman. If he wants it specifically with another man, then that might give you another reason to be worried....but PAUSE: we'll come back to that.
Bringing another woman into your bedroom could be a good way to ruin a relationship. Watching your man have sex with another woman might conjure up feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity or guilt - none of which is healthy in a relationship. And from the tone of your letter, insecurity is already creeping up.
If you've talked about it and you've hinted that you might be open to it, then he simply could be asking you to help him fulfill a life long fantasy. But if he's brought it up before and you've shut him down...and he keeps asking, he might just be using the threesome as a way to have sex guilt-free with another woman. If that's the case, he's trying to play you for the fool jack. Don't fall for the okie doke.
Maybe he thinks it'll spice up your love life. I don't know how long you've been together, but maybe he's bored with the sex, but not you. Maybe he thinks seeing another woman with her breasts all up in your face is hot and he wants to get off that way. Maybe he thinks it'll turn you on. Are you experimental otherwise? If you've done everything under the sun but that, then maybe he's gotten the impression from you that you'd be down for whatever.
If you're not experimental, then maybe this is his way of asking to you be a bit more adventurous. If the threesome thing spazzes you out, try other stuff first. A new position, anal, toys, handcuffs, blindfolds, new locations, porn - who knows. If spice is what he needs, give it to him in other ways until you either work your way up to a threesome, or find that he no longer needs a threesome because you've pleased and excited him in other ways.
Point blank: If you don't want to do it, then don't. If he can't respect that, then I think you need to question his motives and how strong your relationship really is. Maybe he hasn't sown all his royal oats yet and needs time to get it all out of his system...in which case I say, let him. Without you.
By the way, if he wants to have a threesome with a man - especially if that man is a friend or his brother - this man doesn't love you. Most women who have been "wifed up" feel that if their man loves them, he wouldn't want to share her with anyone - especially not with one of his boys or a relative. I have to say I agree. That's just skeevy. If he wants to do it with a stranger, ask him if he enjoys the company of men over women and get the hell outta there.
Okay, so maybe that's extreme...but it would give me pause...jus sayin'. Two erect penises in the same room just seems suspect to me. But that's just me. It doesn't have to be YOU. Again, he could just be a freak who wants to see you pleased by another man. If it floats your boat, rock with it. If he hasn't brought up a threesome with a man, ask him if he'd consider it. If he says "hell no!" then you have leverage to say no to him.
Sounds to me like you ain't wit it, man or woman. And that's okay. He should respect your boundaries and nurture his relationship with you rather than obsess over this fantasy.
How about this: Ask him if there's reason for you to be concerned. Novel ideal right?
Have a talk with him to see what his REAL reasons are for wanting a threesome, and give some good thought to the state of your relationship. If you feel it's working, is strong and healthy and can withstand a threesome (and you're interested) then maybe you'd like it - provided you both feel safe to explore within any boundaries you set. If you feel the relationship is strong, but you're not interested, then I'd say keep another woman out of your bed.
But if you feel your relationship is on rocky ground, then re-assess the relationship entirely and throw the threesome idea out the window. Let him go get his freak on with someone else, and you find a boyfriend who respects you, your comfort level and your feelings.
What say the blog family?
Go!
-b
