Happy Hump Day!
So I woke up this morning to find texts and emails from my male friends telling me my Yahoo account was hacked. I was a bit surprised since I’m usually very careful about what I click on the innawebs, as Yolanda calls them. I asked what type of spam they got from me and they all said the same thing: a link about Viagra, Cialis and every other sexual dysfunction pill you can think of. I chuckled as I realized that NONE of my female friends contacted me to tell me I’d been hacked. Not one. Meanwhile, some of the responses I got from men were: “I thought you were trying to tell me something.” “How did you know???” “I don’t need no damn Viagra!”
Geesh! Sensitive much?
I promptly changed my Yahoo password and apologized on Facebook to all who had gotten spam from me. I’ll be more careful next time. I thought it was interesting how many of my man friends seemed to feel some kinda way about Viagra, sexual dysfunction and the like. Are men REALLY that sensitive to that type of thing?
It got me to thinking about some of the insecurities some men have and the myths surrounding them. So men, I’ll do you a favor and debunk some of these myths for you so you can go forth being the manly stud muffins that you are. This is BROOKE’S OPINION ONLY. I realize some women may disagree with me on several of these, but men…if you wanna bumble with the B (that’s me), then fret not. Here goes:
1. Penis size. Yes, it’s nice if you can knock the bottom out of most chicks, but it can be a gift and a curse. Schlongs are like money; some of you who have a lot don’t know how to spend it! Seriously, sometimes a man with a big d**k is like a trust fund kid - lazy, isn’t willing to work for it, rests on his laurels….and is…boring. I’d rather do a broke guy who is a hard worker, if you catch my drift.
2. Chest hair. I love it. I know a few women who want their men shaved clean, but not me. Let me rub my soft hand on your carpet, maybe even grab a few curly strands. Something about a man with hair on his chest moves me.
3. Facial hair. Okay, seriously…whose deal breaker is facial hair? You got a beard, mustache, goatee, five o’clock shadow, whatever…just keep it shaped up. I love a hairy man…woolly caveman, alldat. I may be in the minority here, but it is what it is.
4. Scars. Battle wounds are interesting to me. Means you’re not afraid to get scuffed up and maybe you can hold your own. Now, I’m not saying I think gang stab and gunshot wounds turn me on, but if you cut yourself up fixing things around the house or the car or something, I can dig it. A man with NO scars or marks on his body gets the side eye from me….pretty muthaphucka.
5. Sweat. Men are supposed to sweat. Sweat is sexy. Sweat makes sex SO MUCH better…I like slip sliding around :-) A man who doesn’t want to sweat during sex can go sit down somewhere…OVER THERE. We all do it, and the only time it’s not cool is when it’s boob sweat, or when it’s running down your leg on the subway platform on your way to work.
6. Sex. You’re not a porn star and neither are we. You don’t need to hold me up in a reverse cowgirl, plank position to get my attention. Sometimes missionary is really enough…it’s actually my favorite position. Maybe that’s boring, but I like to face you and hold you, it’s more personal for me. Start having me hang from monkey bars and we might have a problem. #charliehorse.
7. Erectile dysfunction. It happens to everyone. If it happens over 50% of the time, then go see a doctor and then we’ll talk about Viagra. You might be tired, depressed, need some exercise or vitamins, but we can figure it out together. Women don’t look at you as less than a man if you can’t get it up ONE night. Don’t beat yourself up about it…happens to everyone.
8. Premature ejaculation. Stop worrying about this. This condition is usually labeled that way for men who can’t last 1-2 minutes once he penetrates a woman…and most men I know can last at least 5. You all worry about how long sex should be for no reason. Should it be 15 minutes, an hour? You think if it’s too short, she’ll tell all her friends you’re a two-minute brother, but if it’s too long, she’ll get sore and raw down there. Take your time, enjoy your partner, listen to each other and pay attention. Sometimes a quickie is all y’all need…and sometimes marathon sex happens when you least expect it. It’s different every time, so stop worrying about it.
9. Condoms. Yes, most times it feels better without one…but honestly, if you know what you’re doing, it feels the same to us WITH a condom too. Just stay lubricated so that the friction of hot ass rubber doesn’t start a small brush fire down there. We don’t like that.
10. Orgasms. Yes…the orgasm is the desired result, but most women don’t care that much about it. Our most satisfying sexual experiences come from feeling loved, desired, passionate, happy, arouse and erotic…in a nutshell, feeling connected to someone. The orgasm is simply the icing on the cake. And that's what toys are for ;-)
Did I miss anything?
-b
