Happy Fantabulous Tuesday!
So this past Saturday, a girlfriend of mine, her fiance and I were sitting out on their deck enjoying the warm breeze watching the kiddies play. We were talking about my blog, pics of my Godson that her fiance sends me, general chit chat, etc. I tell her that sometimes I don't get a chance to look at the photos or jokes that they forward until the end of the day because work has me so busy. Out of nowhere she says, "If you didn't work so much, you'd have a man."
...uh...okay...???
I know she meant well, and I didn't take offense. I didn't really even think about what she said until I was driving back home to NY Sunday night thinking about my workload for the next day. I DO work long hours, mostly 10 hour days. But if I left work at 6 pm everyday, what would I really be doing? It's not like I'm turning down dates and beating the men off with a stick because I have a late meeting or phone calls to return at work. No men are sitting on my doorstep waiting for me to get home. If I wasn't at work, I'd be at the gym, on my couch watching tv or on my computer blogging or Facebooking. It's as simple as that.
I know my clock is ticking and that I'm not getting any younger. I'm no closer to finding Mr. Right than I was the first time I celebrated my 30th birthday, let alone the 6th anniversary of it :) I might as well snatch up stock in Energizer or Duracell at this point...that's right, I said it. Not ashamed of it either! I have plenty of guy friends who always ask why I'm single...even though they're single themselves and never asked me out. Or, if we DID date, they say I'm the one that got away...even though I never really went anywhere. I'm standing right here! Oh that's right, you're a moron.
I kid...kinda... :-)
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining or feeling sorry for myself. In fact, I don't think I worry about my "singlehood" as much as other people do. My friend's comment seemed to come out of left field since we weren't on the topic of relationships, and I surely wasn't complaining about my status. But what I find is that most people who care about me simply want me to be happy, and they think that if I had a man, I'd be happy...complete.
They tell me I'm a catch - a beautiful, intelligent woman that any man would be lucky to have. Well, guess what? I believe them! They run down my credentials like they're writing my cover letter: "you're single, attractive, intelligent, educated, a nice person, you can cook, you have all your teeth"...the list goes on. But here's the kicker. I'm not looking at my list of qualities everyday trying to be what I assume every man wants; I'm simply just being the woman that I am. I don't want to be someone's "checklist." Men don't belong on one either.
This is not all to say that I wouldn't welcome a genuine relationship. I think I thrive in relationships personally. But relationships are very hard work and they require both people to be complete, whole people in their own right. Until I feel like I'm completely there, I wouldn't be ready for Mr. Right even if he showed up with a ring professing his undying love for me. Hell, "Mr. Right Now" ain't even calling me back! LOL!!
If I met him right now, I wouldn't want to try to convince him of how great I am. That's a turn-off, and I hate when men try to convince me that they're some sort of commodity. I want to simply be that person. No two people who are meant to be together will have to convince each other of how great the other one is. They'll simply be two great people who've found each other. So until we discover each other, I'll re-discover myself.
Right now, I'm working on all the things that bring meaning to my life, things that I want people to remember me for. I'm going to assume that I will never meet Mr. Right, and that my life has to be about something of value outside of wanting a husband or children. I'm unencumbered by husband or child, so I have nothing but time to cross things off my to-do list of things that matter to me most. That list is made up of things I've always wanted to learn or try to do, places I want to visit. Now, the tough part is actually DOING them!
You know what's funny? If I'm trying to do all of the things on my to-do list, I won't have time for a man. How funny is that? Instead of me looking for one, he'd have to try to keep up with me. If I work my list, I'd have no time for him. I'd be putting him off, telling him I'm gonna call him back, making him wait :) And he'd keep pursuing me. Men are funny that way...they love the chase :)
Okay, maybe not ALL men, but you know what I mean. My point is, I'm not slowing down so I can find a man. I'm not leaving work early so I can go home and wait for my Prince Charming to knock on my door. That just ain't gonna happen. I'm gonna keep busy trying to find me. When you find you, it won't matter any more if there is a man that managed to keep up or not, one that managed to find you or not. Like my friend Denise always says, I have everything I need and all the love my heart and hand can hold. When I go discover myself, I'll love what I find along the way :-)
-b
