Happy Tuesday!
Our very own Rameer suggested I read an article posted on TheRoot.com and explore it as a possible blog topic. The article is titled "What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle," and it discusses professional, black women, our dating choices and the standards we have when it comes to choosing a potential mate. I agree it would make for some great discussion, so let's see what we come up with :-)
Hopefully you clicked on the link and read the story. I know, I know Pretty Ricky...we took up a brotha's lunch break with all that readin' and writin' and stuff :-)
But I don't want to retype or regurgitate the article - so I'll simply say that it says that black women are too picky, or overlook the "nerdy" guy when choosing potential mates - and that if more of us relaxed our standards like Michelle Obama did, we would have "Our Barack" by now.
Okay...maybe...but let's slow down a bit.
I kinda take issue with the author's assumption. Yes, Michelle has admitted to thinking that Barack has a strange name. But the REAL reason she said she was hesitant to date him was because they were colleagues, and she was his boss. Dating someone you work with can be considered unprofessional, and can get sticky. That doesn't mean she thought his ears were too big or that he was a nerd or a cornball. It just means that she wanted to be cautious and professional. Who are we to say that she found him attractive or not? Michelle Obama saying she thought he had a funny name doesn't necessarily translate into her finding him unattractive...it just means she thought he had a funny name.
We're imposing our thoughts and perceptions on Michelle Obama, and since none of us know what she finds attractive or unattractive, the article may have been a bit unfair or presumptuous.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I personally think Barack Obama is sexy as hell. He has that engaging smile that just sucks you in, a brilliant mind coupled with a sincere gaze, and a confidence that oozes self assurance and sexy all at the same time. He captured us with his charismatic, dynamic delivery at the DNC, and his appeal has only grown since. These are characteristics that go beyond the physical - either you have IT or you don't. And Barack has that IT factor that can't be denied...and there's nothing nerdy or corny about it. When you have that IT factor, a person can't help but be drawn to you, no matter what you look like on the outside.
Now...back to the article.
I get what the author is saying.
He's the guy you SHOULD be dating.
He's the guy you SHOULD be interested in.
He's the guy you SHOULD kiss on the lips instead of giving him your cheek.
He's the guy you SHOULD marry.
Ladies, we all know him. He's totally interesting, he makes you laugh, he calls when he says he will, he's reliable to a fault and your mother loves him.
...but...
For some reason we just can't help but put him in the friend zone - that is if we haven't dismissed him from the door. Is it pheromones? lack of chemistry? his coke bottle glasses? funny haircut? highwaters? Why can't we ever be physically attracted to the guy we SHOULD be attracted to? The one who would treat us like a queen, who will be there for us, love us unconditionally?
Don't get me wrong, physical attraction and chemistry are all important. I'm not dismissing that at all. But what I have found is that the more I get to know someone and I discover what a great person they are, my attraction begins to grow. I find that if I'm having an intelligent conversation with a witty man, suddenly I don't notice that he's shorter than I am. Intelligence is sexy to me, so if you can string two sentences together coherently, you got me.
What I'm saying is, strike up a conversation with a man you might not normally think is your "type." You may be surprised at what comes out of his mouth. He may not be the tall, strapping, handsome-by-some-model-standard guy, but he may be funny as hell! Oh...did I mention that if you can make me laugh, you got me that way too? :-)
I've been told I date "cerebral" or "academic" men (read: nerdy). However, I've also dated men who maybe didn't have a college degree - but who also never let me open a car door. They pulled out my chair every time I sat down, and they made sure I was taken care of. They weren't your Morris Chestnut's or Idris Elba's either. Just great guys who were beautiful from the inside out.
I guess what the author is saying is that if there are only 70 single black men for every 100 single black women (and that number is off since that number included incarcerated men), then maybe we shouldn't diminish our chances by discounting the brotha wearing too tight jeans and rocking a Nipsy Russell 'fro - assuming we want to date a brotha (but that's a topic for another day).
There is no perfect man who will have EVERYTHING on your list when it comes to his physical appearance. Yes, we want him to have all of his teeth...preferably porcelain white with a smile like Chris Webber's. But if he has braces, just think of how great his teeth will look when they come off, and go out for coffee with him anyway.
The same goes for men, but since this article addressed black women, I'll keep it there. We don't want a man pre-judging us or dismissing us because we don't look like Halle Berry, so we shouldn't hold on to the same misguided, superficial standard of perfection that no one can attain for men either. Date the guy who has a slight belly. Don't pay too much attention to his non-fashion sense. Stop playing him sideways because his fingers are too small or his voice is a slight octave higher than you think it should be. Is a man who speaks proper English that much of a turn-off? Really?
The strikingly handsome, intelligent, successful, tall, athletic, chiseled, fashionable, handy, ambitious, sensitive, funny, spiritual, devoted, loyal, romantical (Pretty Ricky's word) men ARE out there. But maybe just not all of that wrapped into one. Pick the traits that mean the most to you and see what you can do without. You may find that certain characteristics on your wish list aren't that important after all. Or you may find that you actually DO have all of that in your man...just not the way you envisioned it.
-b
